Changes; Futures

I just finished listening to a great episode of This American Life ("How to Talk to Kids"). I was sitting, listening. The segment with the mother talking about her teenage daughter was very familiar to me. Most of it was, really. I remember being a kid and hating how adults always talked down to me. But I don't know how to talk to kids now. It's strange. And I'm in this place now where I feel like I'm supposed to be a grown-up, but I'm such a kid. And neither of my parents seem to understand that. Maybe my mom does.

As I was listening to that episode, I started to feel like I could understand my mom much better, and I could see how I'd discounted a lot of her experience as a parent-- as a mom to me, her fairly "rebellious" "troubled teen". But I don't feel that way about my dad. In fact, it seems so much clearer to me now that he's kind of crazy. I mean... he's a parent. He works non-stop-- in great part, to support us (or so he says). But I really don't think I know a more self-involved person. It's funny. I could relate to him so much more when I was getting high everyday. I felt like I got where he was coming from. I felt closer to him than ever in a lot of ways. But now that I've been sober on a regular basis for a month or so now, I see how utterly self-righteous & self-piteous he is. It's even harder for me to want to help him change or advance. His alcoholism has progressed in such a way that he's just not the person that he used to be. At the same time, he's exactly the type of person that I've always known him to be-- misunderstanding, suspicious, downright paranoid, unfair, assuming, rude-- to the point of unintended cruelty (although sometimes it is intended). He doesn't understand the weight of his words. He's in a place where he can see that he is wrong, but what he chooses to focus on utmost are the ways that he feels he is being mistreated or wronged in. He never aims to truly understand why those things occur.
The phrase that keeps cycling through my head every day or so is that "he has no reverence for me as a person".

Anyway, I'm rambling now. It was a little shocking at first to realize that I felt so much closer to my mother & further away from my father. My mom really wants to understand. I know this much. And I do, too. And we've made some progress in the past few days. I feel like I'm working on it, and even if she doesn't happen to feel the same way I feel like I'm working in such a way that she will be welcomed with open arms when she realizes that I really am ready, willing, & wanting to talk. My dad is just so unhappy. He needs help. But I don't think I'm going to help him. The sacrifices involved in that process are sacrifices that I'm not interested in. One of the things that he's going to have to realize is that I'm not making one damn sacrifice if doing so is only going to start this typical process of him seeming to ask 'how far is he willing to go?'. That may not be what he's thinking. I wouldn't be surprised if it's nowhere near it. But the fact is that he needs me to sacrifice-- I need to if things are going to work and so does he. What happens is that I sacrifice & he never follows up. He takes advantage of me. And then I trust him that much less. It's really disappointing to get to a place with him where I'm willing to sacrifice and he is flippant with my will. It's really unfair. But he basically keeps asking me to give him another chance. My friends say I should talk about things with him. And I know they don't understand the situation entirely. My sisters are on the same page with me. How do you talk to someone who does almost everything in their power not to listen without even realizing it and who then gets angry and self-righteous and who has set very memorable precedents of verbal abuse? Like when my oldest sister first tried to approach him about his drinking. It started (and ended) like this:

Summer: I know you're drinking again.
Dad: What? How do you know that?
Summer: I can just tell. You act different. Plus I smelled your drink when you went upstairs.
Dad: You did what?!
S: I smelled your drink.
D: Y'know, what? I don't think this is my problem. This is your problem.

This was the point that she figured she should've kept her mouth shut. He snarled & yelled at her for an hour and a half after that. This is not unusual of his tantrums. He's lasted 6 hours before.

Anyway. Mom, right? Keep your eyes on the prize, or something... I don't like how I sound in these blogs. It doesn't really do justice to how I feel.

Our Hell.

I just hung up on one of my friends. She made some reference to there being gloom in her day. I responded.
"I honestly don't think I can take anymore gloom."
"I know. I know what you mean."
*silence*
I don't know if she was in the same place as I was, but this is when I realized that this was going nowhere, because all we do anymore is commiserate. But then she started complaining again (because, again, that's what we do). I'm fed up with it. Once my dad has made his usual appearance before work, I've barely been able to concentrate on anything for the past 3 or 4 days except this anger toward my family situation once my parents start coming home. I feel like I'm constantly filling up & emptying. Almost every single day I talk to this friend of mine. I stopped listening a while ago. I just let her get it out because she needs to get it out. She's not doing anything to better her situation. She calls me & complains about all of these people that are basically rude to her because she complains so much and continuously praises herself by comparison in the process.
This is a situation that I've grown tired of, & I feel justified in not trying because I don't see her trying at all. But I should know better. That's not fair to me, and that's not fair to her. I don't want to say controversial things to her because she's so resistant. But I guess I just have to say them anyway. I've hung up on her now, so... we're going to have to address some of this stuff.

Okay.

So. I think I've identified the problem (e.g. the drunken one standing next to me). HahakindofnotreallybutgoddammitI'msofuuuuuuckingfedupatthispoint
I think the reason that I keep feeling like I can't focus on my work, even when I really feel as though I have to get it done, is that I don't really have any form of release when my family is home-- except distracting myself. I don't sing around them. I can't play the piano because the TV is always on and God forbid I get to play the damn thing when anyone is home... okay. Caaaaaaalm down.
I don't get to play my piano when anyone is home because the TV is always on. Usually, the only time the TV is off is when everyone has gone to bed. And then they're asleep, so I can't do it then. What the hell. #1 problem-- I don't know how to communicate with my family. It scares me. It's not even just being scared. It infuriates me. And really I feel completely dead when I think about this terrible situation. Why weren't any of us working at this before?
I still would really like to know how my parents didn't try to work this out with us sooner. It's like we were just supposed to work it out. They completely forked over control to us a long long time ago. God, they're just so stupid sometimes. It's amazing. I really don't know how they could have thought that this was an atmosphere that we would want to survive in. He's a drunk. He's been verbally abusive from day one. She's in denial. When we've spoken up, we've been spit at through loud & angry speech & thrusting pointed fingers and then we've been called overdramatic when we're angry. And how could we not be? If responded to this man who yells gets us nowhere & talking about it to this woman (who's been our only parental security) only got us accusations of being overdramatic, how could we not become more "overdramatic"??? That was hell!! And that portion has lessened in a way. But how would I even really know that for sure? We still don't talk about things. This is what has made me want to die so many many times before.
I NEED RELEASE. But that is so hard to find here. So as of late I've just wanted to leave. But I can't. I'm broke. And I just don't really want to do anything when I'm here.
This is my family. This is my home life. This fucking sucks. Self-pity self-pity... <-- and then some

This is like the unsolvable problem. This has never changed. Ever. I need some release. What can I do??? None of my friends have known what to say. More recently they just hadn't been responding at all. They would just start talking about something else... I don't get to do that, though. It just seems so unfair. I know they don't mean to hurt me by doing that. [...] this is going nowhere fast...
I need some This American Life. Maybe that will be enough. For now.
Please give me some love. Please give me some life. I will do the same for you. If you can, then I can. I just need some help.

How does a person get/stay motivated?

This I do not know. I've been on the edge a few times today-- at that point where I'm either going to take a breath or think myself into my grave.
I had two papers due today. Neither one of them was turned in-- one because I didn't know about it, which was fine with my teacher. I'm fine with that then, but I'd rather not be. I should be enforcing a rule right now that I was thinking about in the car: work before play.
Okay. I'm going.

This time.

I guess we're diving in headfirst here. It has once again become clear tonight just why I had so much trouble leading the life I used to lead. I felt very torn between my friends and my self. I was unsure of whether or not people were using me. And the only comforting thing about living with that was the prospect that I might be using them back... which was actually not very much comfort at all. It was totally superficial and self-serving and even then I realized this. But I was afraid to change. It was an awful lot to have on my plate day after day after day. This is why I straight-up left all of that. I could not deal.
In any case, some things that have been on my mind:
- how good it felt to karaoke with someone who I broke off a "close" friendship with, who I still would like to talk to, but who I think will probably, in the end, just drive me insane. I feel like I abandoned her, but I also understand that I couldn't help her with her problems and that she could was having trouble living with them and understanding herself. There was the responsibility of having to "understand" that she could not understand how to change-- that she was stuck, even though she had tried to change. Granted, she had been through a lot-- more than me-- but in developing that understanding, I had to be responsible for the knowledge that I couldn't help her feel better by doing anything other than listening, which I had started to hate to do. To me, our friendship had become about venting, not about becoming or living. And not even really about listening.
- how it felt to really look up to another friend of mine, and now to still not be giving her the respect that she deserves. As of tonight I have put my most truthful foot forward & made an attempt to call her. I sent her a message giving a sort of fleshy outline of what has been going on from where I'm standing-- fear and all.
- how I'm still putting off this permaculture paper
- trying to learn how to talk to Kelley and let her know that I need to find a way to take control of & responsibility for my life without having a conversation about signing me up for Legacy
- if I am ready & willing to responsibly return to some of my old habits, but with the knowledge that I should only do that if I plan to do it responsibly... the thought that I may also be getting in touch with all of these people now because, on some level, I want at least one of them to justify this behavior
- starting SKS back up
- learning to communicate with my mother, in particularly
- learning how to interpret Kim & communicate with her in such a way that will not set her off... which is nearly impossible, so maybe more so learning to communicate in a way that will allow her to understand where I (& seemingly most others) are coming from... also wondering what it means that neither of us listen to each other at this point and we are at different places, even if we have been on & off for 7 years. Should I turn this off again or should I turn this off? What is communicable?
- the need to exercise & maintain my body
- finding a way to explain to my family why the food that I & that they eat is something that I worry about so much
- understanding myself as someone who does like other males & revising my concept of what it means to do so
- doing more than just developing a study habit that is sustainable and successful
- Dad going to see his family
- seeing Brandi this weekend
- arranging to see Eli on the 15th(?)
- taking responsibility for the way I present myself to my family & friends (in particular) and how it affects the way they view my ability to & reasons for using logic at all (particularly in regard to food, drugs, sexuality-- general controversy); how my mother still doesn't seem to understand me at all... & really few people do. I don't know that I actually do, sometimes.
Wow... so maybe this is another reason why I wear myself thin. I just have a shitload of things that I think about, but I basically only seem to partially tackle [each issue-at-hand by inadvertantly tackling] the entire mass of them. Progress for each almost moves at a constant & slow pace-- almost. And almost unintentionally.
I should sleep now. I'm also trying to think of how to structure this blog... that's something for later at this point. (See that?)