This time.

I guess we're diving in headfirst here. It has once again become clear tonight just why I had so much trouble leading the life I used to lead. I felt very torn between my friends and my self. I was unsure of whether or not people were using me. And the only comforting thing about living with that was the prospect that I might be using them back... which was actually not very much comfort at all. It was totally superficial and self-serving and even then I realized this. But I was afraid to change. It was an awful lot to have on my plate day after day after day. This is why I straight-up left all of that. I could not deal.
In any case, some things that have been on my mind:
- how good it felt to karaoke with someone who I broke off a "close" friendship with, who I still would like to talk to, but who I think will probably, in the end, just drive me insane. I feel like I abandoned her, but I also understand that I couldn't help her with her problems and that she could was having trouble living with them and understanding herself. There was the responsibility of having to "understand" that she could not understand how to change-- that she was stuck, even though she had tried to change. Granted, she had been through a lot-- more than me-- but in developing that understanding, I had to be responsible for the knowledge that I couldn't help her feel better by doing anything other than listening, which I had started to hate to do. To me, our friendship had become about venting, not about becoming or living. And not even really about listening.
- how it felt to really look up to another friend of mine, and now to still not be giving her the respect that she deserves. As of tonight I have put my most truthful foot forward & made an attempt to call her. I sent her a message giving a sort of fleshy outline of what has been going on from where I'm standing-- fear and all.
- how I'm still putting off this permaculture paper
- trying to learn how to talk to Kelley and let her know that I need to find a way to take control of & responsibility for my life without having a conversation about signing me up for Legacy
- if I am ready & willing to responsibly return to some of my old habits, but with the knowledge that I should only do that if I plan to do it responsibly... the thought that I may also be getting in touch with all of these people now because, on some level, I want at least one of them to justify this behavior
- starting SKS back up
- learning to communicate with my mother, in particularly
- learning how to interpret Kim & communicate with her in such a way that will not set her off... which is nearly impossible, so maybe more so learning to communicate in a way that will allow her to understand where I (& seemingly most others) are coming from... also wondering what it means that neither of us listen to each other at this point and we are at different places, even if we have been on & off for 7 years. Should I turn this off again or should I turn this off? What is communicable?
- the need to exercise & maintain my body
- finding a way to explain to my family why the food that I & that they eat is something that I worry about so much
- understanding myself as someone who does like other males & revising my concept of what it means to do so
- doing more than just developing a study habit that is sustainable and successful
- Dad going to see his family
- seeing Brandi this weekend
- arranging to see Eli on the 15th(?)
- taking responsibility for the way I present myself to my family & friends (in particular) and how it affects the way they view my ability to & reasons for using logic at all (particularly in regard to food, drugs, sexuality-- general controversy); how my mother still doesn't seem to understand me at all... & really few people do. I don't know that I actually do, sometimes.
Wow... so maybe this is another reason why I wear myself thin. I just have a shitload of things that I think about, but I basically only seem to partially tackle [each issue-at-hand by inadvertantly tackling] the entire mass of them. Progress for each almost moves at a constant & slow pace-- almost. And almost unintentionally.
I should sleep now. I'm also trying to think of how to structure this blog... that's something for later at this point. (See that?)